Frustrated!

So alot has gone on lately in my life.  First of all, I started back to school on January 11th.  The first week back was pretty rough and I had 3 panic attacks. For the first 5 days they sat there and told us how many ways we could possible fail. By the end of the day I felt as if it was going to take a miracle to pass. I started freaking out. I couldn't breath, and started hyperventilating. It was pretty bad. I haven't been able to sleep without feeling panicky. The thing that sucks is that I haven't had any panic attacks for over a year and then all of a sudden they started up again. I've been dealing with it by taking my meds regularly and trying to relax.

Last week I didn't lose any weight and I was pretty upset. But I had a big weight loss the week before so I kinda expected it. So hopefully this week I can get back on track.

So my car is about ready to crap a load. I just got it last January and it's been in the shop too many times to count. So finally I got approved for a loan but I have to have a down payment. So I can't get it till I get my student loan in 2 weeks. Lets just hope my car lasts that long. And they aren't holding the car, so if it's not there when I get the money they'll have to find me another one. Lets just hope it doesn't fall through. It seems like sometimes things never go right. I'm sure i"m not the only one that feels that way. So keep me in your prayers because lately I need it.

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.

UPDATE.

In my last blog I was getting ready to start a new diet pill called Hydroxycut. I am now on my 4th day of the pill and have lost 2.6 lbs since i started taking it. Thats pretty good considering I was having a few bad weeks of not even losing 2 lbs. I have not had really any major side effects as of yet and I hope and pray I don't. I also follow the directions to the T and drink at least 6-8 glasses of water per day. The bottle says if you drink lots of water you're less likely to have any side effects. I hope this pill continues to work because I would love to lose 5 lbs a week or more. But who wouldn't right? I just want to be healthy and feel good about myself for once.

Yesterday I bought a book called Diet and Exercise Diary by Hinkler books.

Its an awesome book! It's got info in the front and weekly, daily, monthly and yearly journals. You can enter how much you've exercised, ate, weight, BMI. It's fabulous and a great way to keep track of what you eat and how much you've lost. So if you need a good diary or journal check this out. And it was only 7.95 at books a million! HOW COOL!

Downward slope..

Do you ever feel like your on a downward slope? Like nothing ever goes right? Things keep getting worst instead of better? Two weeks ago, when I weighed in I only lost 0.4 of a pound. I was extremely frustrated because I had done everyting I was supposed to. I followed my diet strictly and exercised alot! But I didn't see the results that week. I'm used to losing about 2 lbs a week. I calmed myself down and told myself I was just at a plateau. The next week I weighed in and had lost 2.4 lbs. That was the week of christmas so I was ecstatic!! This past week when I weighed in I was devestated. First of all, I had followed my diet strictly as I always do and I exercised EVERYDAY! I only lost 1.8 lbs. I cried and cried. I was so upset because I had hoped to get down to 189 this week and I weighed in at 190.4. I had made sure I did my biggest loser video everyday because if you do it 7x a week you're supposed to lose 5lbs. And it usually gets results. But not this week. The crazy things was I had lost MORE the previous week when I exercised less. *sigh* I was so upset and a friend kinda yelled at me. But I deserved it! I am doing great! I have lost 30 lbs. And as she made me repeat that I weigh 190 over and over, I felt a little better. She asked me, "how long has it been since you have been under 200?" I said 4 years and she asked "how much have you lost?" I said 30 lbs. She made me say "30lbs i've lost 30 lbs". So after my little pep talk I felt a little better. Its so hard to be proud of yourself sometimes, especially when you expect big results. Or someone you know doesn't workout or follow the diet half the time loses 10 lbs in a week. I guess I shouldn't compare my weightloss to others because everybody's weightloss journey is different. So this week I've decided to try my Hydroxycut again. This is how i lost 80 lbs in 2 months a few years ago. It's not the same formula because at that time it had ephedra in it. Doubt it will work now but it's worth a try.

So speaking of that downward slope...Last night a gallon pitcher of tea fell out of the fridge and spilt all over my kitchen floor. Then this morning as I was making my oatmeal, a spilled my 2/3 cup of milk on the floor. *sigh* I'm having one of those days!

On a brighter note we're supposed to be getting lots of snow tonight!!

To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self...

Two things have really been on my mind the last couple days. One is Jealousy. Jealousy is an evil thing. Why do some people have to be mean and degrade you to make themselves feel worthy. Are they so insecure around you that they have to turn everything into a competition. As someone just told me yesterday, that just means they're jealous of you and they find you worthy to be jealous of. Don't get angry, just pity them! If you say you got an A they got an A+, if your paycheck was $200 theres was $201??  All I have to say is GROW UP. Be your own person!

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.

Today I thought about deleting my myspace. Why you may ask? Because people are childish! I have a friend well (ex-friend) that needs to GROW UP! About 3 years ago she came down from another state to visit. Me and my cousin went to see her. Then about a month later she came down again. She called because she wanted us once again to make the 30 mile trip to go see her. I had a test at school that I could not miss and my cousins son was in the hospital. So needless to say we were unable to make it down there. We told her why? So you know what happened? She deleted us from all social networking sites and blocked us, won't accept our calls or have anything to do with us? The crazy thing is she is almost 30 years old. Not only that but she could have came to marshall and saw us? Did she? NOPE. Did anyone else she is friends with make the trip one month previous to see her? NOPE. Is she still friends with all them on facebook, myspace and son on? YEP. I have tried numerous times in the last 3 years to contact her and she blocks me and marks me as spam.  What is her problem?? I don't get it?

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.

So I also have this other friend..Well she used to be my best friend, until she started griping at me and complaining non-stop that I never came to see her. She lived 3 blocks or so from my house. At that time I had just started school and I had an over abundance of homework. I got up went to school, came home and did homework until bed. I didn't have time to go see her. And if I did have a couple spare hours I sure didn't want to go over to her house and listen to her 3 kids cry and whine nonstop and hear her gripe at me cause I never come to see her. So after about a year of not speaking to her (she moved away), I decided to send her a message on myspace. Telling her I was sorry and I wanted to put it past us. I don't want any hard feelings. She has been online but hasn't responded to my message. And all her family deleted me and blocked me?? What is with people? Deleting people, blocking, spaming you, complaining because they're not in your top friends? Is that what life is about?

Irritability is immaturity of character. If you are subject to being cross and unpleasant with others for no apparent reason, you need to come face-to-face with the fact that you are thinking too much of yourself. After all, your feelings are not the most important things in this world.

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Some may say...

As I write this blog some may say i'm a little odd that I find Sex in the City awe inspiring. lol. When I say that I don't mean the drinking, or the sex with multiple partners. I"m talking about the amazing life they have in the fabulous New York City. If you know me at all i have a great fasination with the city. Any city for that matter but especially the big apple. Last night as I laid in bed flipping through channels I came across Sex in the City. I forgot how much I love that show. It was the series finale which is one of my personal favorite episodes. I would have to say i'm more like Charlotte. The one who wants to get married and have a family but isn't as wild as the other three. I sometimes dream of living in the city with my 3 best friends. Buying shoes and purses that cost 3x my monthly rent. LOL Going to parties with celebs (not drinking of course), shopping, visiting museums and walking in central park holding hands with the love of my life. Yes i know i'm a little corney. Those 4 girls have an amazing bond, like sisters. They are the loves of each others lives as Mr. Big says. And no matter what Carrie wears she looks amazing. I wish i could do that! I also love Carries column. Its full of advice, great quotes and pure honesty. I dream of a time when i go to NYC and meet the man of my dreams and get swept of my feet to PARIS the city of ROMANCE. 

Just a few of my fav quotes...

As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”-Carrie Bradshaw

“I don't believe in email. I'm an old-fashioned girl. I prefer calling and hanging up.”

“When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past.”

“As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who we hope to be, I can't help but whine, 'Are we there yet?"



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Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010

As the new year is fast approaching I decided to write one last and final blog. 2009 wasn't too bad of a year for me...Lets recap shall we?

January--
I started the nursing program at Ivy tech. After much hard work I finally was accepted and very nervous come January. The first semester was pretty stressful just getting the hang of things. After a lot of hard work and studying I passed with flying colors.

February, March, April, May--
Ohhh where did they go? lol Nothing too interesting happened besides going to school. And once again I passed the second semester of nursing school with flying colors.

June, July, & August--

Well my summer wasn't quite a summer. I had to still attend school so I didn't really get much of a break. My mom, Peggy and I went to St. Louis and had a great time. It was a nice break just to get away. On August 12th I moved to terre haute. We lost our house and were forced to move. My mom, peggy and I rented an apartment right behind ivy tech. Summer classes seemed like they lasted forever. Med-Surg 2 was awful and it seemed like it would never end. But Once again I passed with flying colors. This semester even tho it was awful I became close with a few of my classmates. Aubry, Cortney, Dawn, Erica and Peggy. I love them all so much and I don't know how i would have passed without them!

September--

I had a new addition to my family! She is a Peka-Tzu (Pekinese &Shih Tzu). She weighed 4lbs and was 8 weeks old when I got her! Her name is Zoe!

Zoe and Chase get along real well, they play and tease each other non stop!

October--

On October 19th I started weight watchers. It is so hard to be on a diet when everyone else isn't. When I got up to 219 lbs I knew it was time to do something about my weight. I was diagnosed with PCOS a couple years ago. Its a female problem that causes you not to ovulate and gain weight. After a procedure I had in 2008 I was told that if I wanted children I would most likely have to have In Vitro. The only way to have a chance of this PCOS of going away is to lose weight. So I decided that if one day I wanted children I had to do something about it. I want to be healthy and live a long life. I mean really NO ONE wants to be fat! So as of today December 31st 2009 i've lost 30 lbs.  YAY! I want to be down to 150 by graduation which is in May.

This is a really bad pic but it shows how really fat I WAS!!

These Pictures were taken last week on Christmas eve!  The one on the left you can see that my stomach is smaller and the one on the right you can see my face is thinner!                               

I still have a long ways to go but I know now that I CAN DO IT!

December--

Christmas was very nice with my family! My brother and and future sister-inlaw came over and we had a very nice christmas dinner and exchanged gifts!

my mom gave me quite a scare a few weeks ago with chest pain. I rushed her to the emergency room and after alot of test and an overnight stay they said it was just stress. Thank you GOD! I don't know what i'd do if something happened to her! This past monday she had to go in and have and Endometrial biopsy, hysteroscopy and D&C. She has been having some girly problems and they wanted to check for cancer. She came out of surgery ok but we still don't know what the results from the test are! I'm just hoping and praying they come back ok!

Mom deal with it i'm putting a pic of you one here! xxoo

So i've had Alot of fun this year with my mom, peggy, dana and all my friends from school! I hope 2010 is even better..

As for 2010...

My new years resolution is to lose this additional 40lbs. I want to be 150 by May 9th. On May 9th I will be graduating from college and will officially be an RN!! After finding a job I hope to begin my bachelors at Indiana Weselyan.  I plan on getting my masters and becoming a Nurse Practitioner! Hopefully specializing in OB!  I want to help my mom lose weight and become healthy so that she'll be around for a long long time. I want to become closer to god and start attending church more often! I want to become closer to my BFF Dana! I want to try and be a better person and try to appreciate life and my mom more! I also hope to find my prince charming this year lol! So.....

2010 Here i come!!

P.S. oh and don't forget life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away!

I will NOT get frustrated!

So on October 19th I started weight watchers. I started weighing in at 219. That is the heaviest i've ever been in my life. Considering when I graduated high school in 2001 I weighed 110 lbs. So in the last 8 years i've gained 100 lbs. OMG!! So the first week I lost 6.8 lbs. Which was awesome. Mostly water weight but awesome. The second week I lost 3.6 lbs. My weigh date is on Mondays. So as of today I've only lost 1.6 lbs for the week. And what is the craziest thing is that i've been walking everyday! I'm really trying not to get frustrated and I know this is normal. I will have off weeks. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like a failure. I graduate from nursing school in May. I figured out that if I lost an average of 3lbs a week i can lose 72 lbs before graduation. That would be AWESOME!! Although at this present moment I'm not feeling very confident about achieving this. I WILL NOT GET FRUSTRATED!